Trigger Warning: The essay below mentions and describes corrective rape and homophobia, lesbophobia, and transphobia.
On July 7th, 2021 Gujarati newspaper Sandesh carried an article titled “હું અને મારી બહેનપળી મેરેજ નથી કરવા માંગતા, જિંદગીભર સાથે જ રહી શકીશું?” which translates to “Me and my friend do not want to marry – can we live together for the rest of our lives?” At the outset, this seems like a win – more people are beginning to critically question the heteropatriarchal institutions of marriage and family, and putting across their desire to find alternatives. A reading of the article, however, sheds light on the stagnant understanding of sexuality and the persisting notions of what is “normal”.
A rough translation of the enquiry posed is as follows:I am sharing my problem so you can advise me. I am currently in my final year in S.N.D.T. College. As soon as my education is over, my family will begin arranging for my marriage. My problem is actually such that I cannot share it with anyone. I don’t want to marry. I am not interested in any man. I am most comfortable with my friend, Ulpa (name changed), who was my roommate in my college hostel. We both love each other a lot. I can’t live without Ulpa. Here, I must clear one thing – there is no lesbian-same sex relationship between us two. We both are not interested in sex. This way, our case is very difficult. We both have thought about this a lot of times. If our parents don’t let us live together, we will run away and settle in some other nice place. Since I am educated, I will find a job. I can’t think of anything else except this. Right now I am young, so I hope to get your advice. Thank you.
-Sulbha (name changed)

Sulbha’s seemingly simple question ends up depicting what is one of the most complex situations that a majority of young Indians will find themselves in at some point – the pressure of marriage. While this pressure negatively impacts anyone who is at its receiving end, it assumes an altogether different form when it comes to people who do not wish to enter into a heteropatriarchal relationship – for instance, queer persons. It is the stubborn insistence on the compulsion of marriage between a man and a woman, and the subsequent birth of a (preferably male) child which characterizes the idea of “family” in most places in India. Sulbha here shares an experience felt by many – that of non-attraction towards men. Here is where Sulbha wonders whether they will be able to create and stay in an alternate version of a family. In a society which forbids any talk of sex until marriage, and then expects people to engage actively in it until “the family is complete”, Sulbha also makes it clear that they are disinterested in sex.
It is significant to note how unequally society places the burden of “claiming” freedom and the right to make decisions on women and queer persons. While their peers are busy getting an education and thinking about future prospects, many young women and queer persons are already forming contingency plans in case they are outed or forced into relationships they do not wish to enter into. This is made clear by Sulbha’s confidence that in case they would have to run away due to parental interference, the education they have received will secure a livelihood for them. We must continue to ask – why are some groups of people still having to struggle to exercise their rights as adults in our country? What about people who do not receive such education? What about those who are already living in forced relationships?
Sulbha’s questions are then answered by the author. A rough translation of the same is given below:
Your problem is different for sure! Seeing how you two do not share a sexual relationship. You have cleared this much, you both are very close friends, you do everything together, and cannot live without each other. If your family does not let you live together, you have even talked about a plan to run away. Your case is worrisome and worth looking into. Whether it is because you have lived in an urban area, have been friends for very long ever since you were in school, or due to any other reason as well- your friendship is strong and that is natural. Your thoughts, interests, aims, etc. being the same lead to you becoming friends. But in your case, your friendship has intensified to a big extent. You feel useless without each other. That’s why you both love each other so much without knowing why! Being in homoesexual, lesbian relationships is not a matter of surprise, but with who? And what is its nature? It is important to know these things. Here in your case, neither of you know the exact nature of your relationship and thus your case seems different. In many cases, spiritual people who are disinterested in the world choose to devote themselves to finding god. For this, they often choose sage-life (?celibacy). In your case, you both do not have an interest in this either. In this situation, how many options do you have? If you both live together just like you are, then no one can interfere. If the need arises, you can take legal help. You can tell your family about the relationship you share and the decision you take. If anyone forces you to do something, you can take help from the police as well. You both do not have an interest in it, but if you did, one of you could have gotten a sex-change (surgery) and lived together as a husband and wife. However, that process is long and hard, and even then it isn’t necessary that your family will permit you to undergo such a procedure.
It is important for you both to think hard about these possibilities. Two young women living together this way will lead to society talking about many things about you, but you will have to ignore them. The most important thing is that neither of you have been in a relationship with men. It is not yet clear what you are feeling/thinking. You both must note one thing – as days pass, one of you may get in touch with a young man and suddenly feel attracted to him – the situation will then turn in a way that you will both busy yourselves in trying to separate. Your friendship is so strong that if such a situation does arise, you will not become enemies – but the possibility exists. What is the point in asserting that you are not interested in something that you have never experienced before? I am not asking you to search only for the company of a man, but what I am saying is that you cannot ignore this possibility. After all of this, if you both really wish to live together, then do so! You will find a way yourselves. Otherwise, you can refer to what I said for a solution.
Initially, the response seems informative – elopement is a common theme in the lives of queer persons, since many of them are forced to leave their abusive and/or unsupportive houses and settle elsewhere. This is accompanied very often with continuing harassment from families who almost always end up involving the police in the queer persons’ lives by filing cases on unfounded basis such as kidnapping or missing persons’ charges. In such a context, the author’s claim that they can live without any interference is legally correct. The process, however, is long and tedious, and may not guarantee lasting security. What they say about legal help is true as well – many times, queer persons have filed cases in High Courts, with many cases coming up in Gujarat as well.
The answer however takes a turn to reveal some persisting biases about queer persons. The author suggests that one of them may undertake a “sex-change surgery” to be able to live comfortably, giving in to heterosexual standards of “normalcy”. It also feeds into an essentialist view of existence, reducing persons to their bodies, and reinforcing the idea that “men” and “women”, 1. are the only ones who can constitute a relationship and that they, 2. are built a certain way with reference to their bodies. The answer continues to list familial acceptance for the process as another drawback, reiterating the idea of the primacy of family and their consent into the lives and bodies of queer persons.
A further reading goes on to reveal the most common, persisting, and harmful stereotype against queer persons – the author suggests that since neither of the two have ever experienced being in a relationship with a man, there is no way to know for sure that they are not attracted to men. According to the author, there seems to be a possibility that one of them may someday be attracted to a man and want to cultivate a relationship with them. The reinforcement of this train of thought has meant the encouragement of ideas such as “corrective rape”, where persons socialized as women and expected to be attached to men, upon showing disinterest in them, are subjected to violent and abusive treatment which includes being subjected to rape by men to “correct” their behaviour. The idea behind “corrective rape” stems from the parochial understanding that those socialized as women must be interested in men in every capacity, and any inability to perform this role can and must be corrected by subjecting them to sexual violence. This, again, is essentialist in nature, reducing everything down to genitalia. This exhibits both power as well as the idea that “they don’t know what they enjoy unless they have experienced it”. Here, I quote the author and provide a literal translation of the same once again:
“તમે ક્યારેય જેનો સ્વાદ ચાખ્યો જ ન હોય તે અંગે પહેલેથી જ ભાવતું નથી એમ કહેવાથી શું ફાયદો?” When you haven’t had a taste of something, what is the point in asserting beforehand that you do not like it?
This falls dangerously close to the same thinking that promotes violence and abuse against queer people who are not attracted to men. Centering men is the foundation of patriarchy, and it plays itself out in the lives of people in very obvious ways. It especially hurts queer persons this way, whose non-attraction to men is not taken seriously to the extent that they are told to “try” being with men first since that would be the normal thing to do. Many are forced into marriages with men which is another form of violence. Sulbha clearly specified that they are not interested in men – someone stating their attraction to men would never be told to rethink and explore their possible attraction to women. The author also says “you both love each other without knowing why”. It must be questioned as to why any non-heterosexual attraction must be justified with reasons and/or proof.
It is a common experience for many queer persons, who try to navigate around the rigid existing structures and attempt to find their own alternatives, to face such (un)subtle forms of backlash. It is significant that we urgently address such issues that queer persons face on a daily basis, where they have to take decisions about the way they live. It is absolutely necessary to keep reinforcing that as adults, persons have the full legal right to stay with and live with other consenting adult/s. A number of Court judgements have begun to provide the protection that queer couples and individuals need from their own families, the most recent being the Madras High Court Judgement of June 2021. It is important that we encourage criticism around the current heteropatriarchal social norms, and favour and foster the creation of spaces where such criticism can take ground.