Billu and Meenu: The process of strengthening the community group through identification of LBT within Gujarat led us to a couple who were estranged by their respective families. Billu and Meenu both tribal Christians from rural areas in the district Sabarkatha They had been working together in a call center in Ahemdabad. They shared a flat with two other women from the same job. When the parents began to sense that their relationship was more than simply being colleagues, they tricked them into returning home and restricted them from seeing one another, putting an end to their dream of living together. When they ran into this problem Billu wondered if the organization could intervene to help them live together.
As an organization we suggested her to get proof of her age and all the other important documents such as their degrees, certificates, photographs and some essentials to begin a life. Next we asked her to write the applications to the local police stations, and family advising her from where and when to post the letters and suggesting the time and the manner of leaving without attracting attention. Working on this suggestion Billu managed to bypass the family restrictions and put together both their documents. The plan was to find an ideal time to elope and shelter within the organization in Vadodara.
However in the days that followed Meenu was forcibly engaged. Unable to bear the likely break up and the impossibility of reaching Meenu to assess if she was still with her Billu went into depression. Aggravating his mental condition was the recent call from Meenu. “I will marry the man my parents had previously chosen. Do not call me or try to ever see me again” Grieve stricken and immersed in what he thought was betrayal Billu did not realize that Meenu could have made the call under parental pressure. It was only when some of the community members tried to talk her out of his morose mood the possibility of parental pressure emerged as a distinct reality. This lifted Billu’s spirits. He was encouraged to be alert to calls and to keep her mobile close to her and charged, he was also advised to be ready to leave with little or no notice with papers, application and all in case Meenu called in an emergency.
As expected Meenu did call. Sheer chance that she was left alone, she took that one opportunity to plan her elopement with Billu. The explanation she gave for the earlier call was exactly what the community had figured out. Shaken by the turn events had taken Meenu did not want to wait longer. Her marriage was being fixed sooner than later. She feared that if matters were delayed she would be caught in a trap that would be impossible to break.
Pre planning helped the couple escape. They came to the main office in Vadodara on 28th April 2014. Within five days the community and the organization enabled them get jobs. The certificates were useful. On the 12 th day when another community member was showing them the around the city, they were seen by a traffic cop. Meenu whispered, “He is the man I have been engaged to.” This was news for us all. The TG who was showing the couple around in the city had eloped a year earlier. He had come ito the city recently and lived cautiously for fear of being caught by his partner’s family. Also he did not have a licence that recognized him as ‘male’. A public confrontation was not safe for all concerned. But the situation was such that the foursome had to stop at the intersection and face the traffic cop who promptly slapped Meenu and Billu. Even as the other TG intervened, fighting back he had the presence of mind to call the seniors in the organization. Rushing to the spot we made sure the TG disappears while we talked to the man in an aside off the main street. We questioned his right in claiming ownership over Meenu and his ‘natural right’ to be violent to a would- be- wife. Traffic cops collected around us in defense of one -of -their own. But fortunately we were able to cite laws and argue over all of them giving the organizational address and our work with women. We asked the man to come to the office the next morning to talk over the matter.
Anticipating that the traffic cop would now call Meenu’s parents and give them her whereabouts we could no longer keep the couple in the organization. They would insist on taking Meenu back. She should be ready for such as eventuality and think through strategically to realize her choice. Since it was late in the evening and the parents would want to see her, we planned to take them to one of the homes of the Nari Adalat advocate beyond Padra about 32 KM.
The next morning Meenu’s mother, grandmother and other community male members came to the office. They wanted to see their daughter, accusing Billu of misguiding their daughter they said their daughter had agreed to be married and this step would dishonor the family and prevent the marriages of younger daughters. As an organization we claimed that Meenu was being forcibly married. She approached the organization for help responding to her need we offered her shelter for a brief while and now all we had her was her contact number what she does and where she is her right as an adult.
In the evening Meenu came. Argument and counter arguments followed Meenu’s mother wanted her back but she did not want to go with them right then. ‘My pay would be cut besides’ she said, “ I do not want to marry. Her mother promised she would not be forced into marriage some more arguments followed Meenu finally promised to return after she completed a month at her work on condition she would not be forced into marriage and after a few days she would come back to work . After a month Meenu returned to her mother’s house and came back and re joined her work.
While this is a relief, we know it to be only a temporary reprieve. Meenu’s parents will not give in easily. There is a constant pressure on her to return.
The onset of this year has brought us into contact with the everyday intimate lives of the couples and their relationships. In these intimate conflicts the couples often ask for the intervention of senior members and the founder people of the LBT group. Unlike the earlier intervention which was more against the rest of the society, and it involved the larger group The intimate conflicts involves the concerned couple and the interventional support that is sought is from founder members and a few others. The couple based in Rajkot had come into organizational contact while it worked on identifying and organizing on the ground. After coming into the group their exposure to different kinds of people, their personal struggle, the possibilities of gender change and the support of the organization was an eye opener. As a result major changes happened in their lives: The TG underwent mastectomy, the couple began to think of having a child and worked hard to qualify in the police. He works as a constable now in the rural areas. Two years ago they had a girl child through technological intervention. As an organization we had counseled them. Sensing tension in the relationship they were counseled to think through all the consequences and the implications of having a child. But the couple went ahead and in cooperation with a common friend who some say is a TG and others call her straight: the three planned for a child
Though fragile for a while the relationship is now floundering. The older founder members of the organization were asked to intervene only now. The couple fled their homes 14 years ago, when barely into adulthood, angering their families and their larger communities. Their education incomplete and with little or no experience the couple had to struggle at multiple levels. Over the years’ the relationship between the person who identified as TG and him family improved but him partner’s relationship with her parents and a brother continues to be embittered. Even before the crisis happened in her relationship with the TG, the family was not willing to accept her. The woman feels trapped. Not having familial support and her partner turning away from her, she finds herself at a loss, lonely and alone. She feels it was her constant support that made it possible for her partner to qualify in the police services. She says, it was she who really encouraged him to work towards this job. Having qualified in the police service s/he was now turning away from her. She felt betrayed. When she found the reason of indifference to her to be another woman she felt defeated. Having walked out once and finding it hard to live with a child she had returned on the condition that the new relationship which the TG had formed could exist outside their home. Earlier also the TG had shown interest in other women but that phase had passed. She hoped this time too they would come together again. The TG denied any involvement with another woman. On the contrary s/he blamed him partner of being involved with another FTM. This TG was a common friend of the couple and the decision to have the child was between the three as family. S/he d had in fact made a commitment of being there for the child. The TG now accused their common friend to be in relationship with him partner.
The illegitimacy of same sex attachment and their families compels them to live isolated from the rest of society. They cannot hope for any intervention from family or community elders. Of course the State has nothing to offer their child, or the couple in terms of protection to them. In this instance the woman finds herself with no support at all. Not having completed her studies and not having ever worked for a wage/income she cannot find work that would sustain her with the child. Like most same sex couples the intense isolation leads to couples turning inwards, without a supportive interactive social space and state acknowledgement, there cannot be a settlement. All these conditions create more fissures than facilitating a coming together or parting of ways in dignified and fair way. The pressure of shame of their relationship not working out also restrains them from taking support from people like themselves Ideas of monogamy and stereotypical gender ideas combine with fundamentalist way of thinking – pressurizes them to cover their realities of lives- until confronted.
As an organization we went to Rajkot twice. The TG was asked to support the upbringing of the child. Learning from the couple that they owned a flat it was suggested that the mother and the child live in the flat with monthly allowance from the TG. However the TG’s partner did not agree to this arrangement because the fact that they were a ‘different couple’ was known in the society and the tension between them which sometimes erupted in fights had come into public visibility. Living there she felt insecure and feared interference from her partner. Alternatively, it was suggested that s/he sell the house and the money that came in would be put for the child in the bank until she was 18 years old. After arguing and even asking the woman police officer PSI to intervene on him behalf who argued for reconciliation, the TG kept evading the responsibility of meeting the commitment of raising the child they had planned together. It was with great difficulty that on the second visit we were able to negotiate an agreement of the flat being sold and the money be kept in the bank for the child until she is 18 years old. When it came to signing on a stamp paper with witnesses s/he did not say no but s/he took medical leave and went away to his mother’s house leaving him partner and the child in the police quarter without money and inadequate food. The mother unable to support herself and the child had to leave the police quarter and live with TG friend who had earlier promised support. As an organization that works with the queer community we propose to continue to put pressure on the TG to ensure support for their child.
Another couple from Himatnagar had approached the organization for support mentioned in the midterm report. They had been offered shelter for a month in the organization. Both held Government jobs in forest department. The couple wanted to marry, upon which it was made clear to them that same sex marriage was not legal. They were told that in case of marriages personal laws were applicable. The chances of it being challenged by anyone hostile to their relationship such as the family or the community could not be ruled out. They were advised to wait a while, and try to get a transfer away from the home towns of both families and on the outside live together as friends, in the new place. On their behalf the organization contacted a local lawyer to help them draft letters of being adults and having a right to make their own decisions in case trouble brewed beyond their control.
The TG felt that his family would accept them and the girl insisted on going back with him. For some time the couple was able to live peacefully. Following up on them, between January to June, we learnt that when the parents of the girl came to know that she was with the TG, they insisted that their child return with them or the TG marry the girl. The TG’s family was not entirely accepting of the relationship. Sensing trouble, they quietly gave in to the girl’s parents. The second proposition of the two women marrying one another was ruled out. Having been alerted to the insecurity of such a marriage, the TG argued that their relationship was one of friendship and not that of a husband and wife. Effectively, guarding their relationship against stigma and its denial on the basis of illegitimacy, s/he hid the real reason of not marrying, arguing for female friendship which is a more acceptable form of relationship. When the girl returned to her parent’s house her cell was taken away from her and she was kept under surveillance. The parents approached the organization twice. On their first visit they came to protest the organization’s support for a relationship that was un-natural and against India’s cultural values. We talked with the parents and let them know that no family, no organization or any individual can prevent decisions or choices of adults. Since it was only female friendship they talked of, it was not possible to take action against them. In this way we affirmed the choices of the two women, arguing with them that it was precisely in this context that the parents faced the possibility of being taken to the Court. The second visit of the family was to ask the organization to intervene to make their daughter understand the impracticality of her relationship and the necessity of her impending marriage with a man. As an organization, the family was asked to also understand their daughter. Instead of forcing a marriage that she has opposed all along which would make their daughter run away from them, if solemnized the marriage would create more problems. Instead the organization suggested that for the time being they leave the possibility of marriage alone and also stop the surveillance they were subjecting their daughter. Allowing the use of her mobile and even interacting with her friend (TG) and allowing him (TG) to come to their house.. In this way they could create space for negotiating and make their child listen to them. In front of the parents the organization spoke with the girl suggesting to keep a balance between her friendship and family.
For the time being peace has been restored between the families The strategy has been to buy time for the couple as much as keep communication open between all the involved parties and to create a level of tolerance. In the mean time the couple should apply for a transfer.